Patiently waiting or waiting patiently?

Patience truly is a virtue. Knowing this is a practice we must face with intention, our little family has been working on it. Husband has been working on his patience with the new job situation. And here I lie, desperately craving the Lord's blessing of patience in me. With the exception of my first birth, I have experienced horrible prodromal labor. If it started at 36, 37, 38, 39 weeks, I would be okay waiting it out. I believe in full term babies and never rushing the process. But here I am at 40 weeks 3 days and I have been in prodromal labor: intense contractions that sustain a pattern for several hours convincing you that your precious little baby is certainly on it's way, only to lie in the end when it tapers off and leaves you exhausted, sore, and disappointed! This is a variation of what I have encountered for about 4 days now. My difference is that all night long while sleeping, I have intense contractions that don't allow me to change my position to get comfortable. While I am awake during the day, I have them each time I get active and my inner legs go numb from the intensity. I have prayed each time, it seems like all day: Lord, give me the one big sign I need to know this is it. If it's not it, take it away. It is really important to me that the midwife gets here and my precious birth team gets here in time to offer me the support my heart so desires and I truly feel I need. I don't want to "cry wolf" and I don't want people to think that at my 4th baby, I still don't know what labor is. So please, Lord, answer the desires of my heart and see the value in my requests. Amen!

As I reflect tonight, I feel bad for contacting the midwife twice about my fake labor. I feel bad that I have neglected my family for three nights in a row to tend to the focus on bringing this baby into the world. I feel bad for my husband who gets equally excited about meeting his new baby and has helped prepare my nest, only to be disappointed. I sit in my bed, exhausted from getting about 3 hours of sleep the last two nights, having contractions all day and all night, and still having contractions. I love being pregnant! I love giving birth! I very much dislike the waiting patiently on the labor to really start. I want nothing more in the world than to meet this baby. Believe me, no one wants him here more than me! So, if you see me out and about, try not to ask if I am still pregnant! I am, clearly defined by this huge bulge in my midsection. :*)  Please don't take my exhaustion as rudeness.

I pray that Tuesday, when we see the midwife, that she will give us some ways to encourage labor. Possible manipulating my cervix a bit. The chiropractor aligned things last week and began this whole situation, I believe. The contractions are doing something because I am about 4-5cm's dilated. Though that means nothing, really, since I walked around 6 cm's with my second pregnancy for two weeks! My water has never broken until right before I started pushing so while I pray my water breaks to start labor, I don't hold much hope for it! If you are thinking right now, "This woman has had 3 babies already and doesn't know what labor is?" My answer is yes, I have no idea what labor is! If I were a traditional maternity patient, I would have visited the Ob ward ten times by now and probably convinced that pitocin would work wonders on me. It likely would have had our baby here last week. But I am patiently waiting on the Lord to say, "Today is the day. This is the day your sweet baby is going to be in your arms." My children have prayed that "this tonight" is the night and I stand in agreement! My last birth was about 3 hours start to finish so we still have many hours to this night! If it's tomorrow or next Tuesday, whenever the Lord decides to bring our miracle to us, I will rest in His sovereignty over this whole process. The womb is the secret place and in the end, birth is God's business. I trust faithfully in that! If we can naturally encourage the process though, I will welcome that too!

Pregnancy Differences

Yesterday I hit the 39 week mark. Typically, I go over my dates a couple weeks and I hold no expectations on a "due" date or even a near birth day at this point. Each pregnancy is so different. Previously, at this point in pregnancy I would experience that crowded feeling, low appetite, frequent urination, restless sleep, and severe exhaustion. These seem quite typical across the board for most women. Despite feeling those things, I previously have never feel discomfort. Full of baby but not truly uncomfortable.

This time around, I am not sure if it's just subsequent pregnancies, too much yoga in early pregnancy, early release of relaxin, my ligamentous laxity disorder, previous birth trauma, my extreme fall down the stairs after my last birth (resulting in emergency surgery two weeks post birth), or a combination of these things, but I am in more discomfort than I can ever remember. I have suffered pelvic issues this entire pregnancy and have seen the chiropractor more than I can count. It has helped tremendously and I cannot imagine where I'd be without their help. I have experienced the clicky pelvis previously and tailbone pain but nothing like what I am experiencing this time.

I have a sincere compassion for women in late pregnancy and understand, though do not condone, women wanting to "get birth over with." I have begged God to just bring this baby, for selfish reasons, admittedly. I know the benefits of a full term pregnancy and my history of going longer than "due" is expected. To be barely able to walk without severe pelvic pain, numb inner thighs, unproductive stimulation of contractions, and pelvic bone grinding is so aggravating. I dream of those weeks snuggling in bed with my precious little guy, bonding with him, and getting to know who he is. I feel I have been so busy through this pregnancy, particularly these last 6 weeks or so, that I haven't taken the time to embrace this pregnancy, bond with this baby, and focus on the birth. So though I really want to give birth and have him here, I just don't know how prepared I am this time around. This might be what God is walking me through. I feel He desires for me to slow down but I want to keep my boys going in their classes until I can't, be in church, have a clean home, cabinets stocked, and stay busy. One reason I feel I busy myself is that I don't have to focus on the things that can go wrong if I am not focusing on any of it! I trust my body, I trust my God, I trust my baby, I trust birth! However, after you have the social norm of 2.1 children, the doubt of healthy babies sets in and you question how "lucky" you could possibly be again. These fears have plagued me this pregnancy. So in keeping busy, I am avoiding facing those fears that I have turned over to God but creep in.

Being prenatal yoga certified, I would like to say that yoga has helped me but yoga is not my friend right now. Yoga has not been my friend for a couple months now. One, I feel claustrophobic doing yoga late in pregnancy. I really enjoy prenatal pilates in late pregnancy but yoga make me feel like I can't breath. With a history of malpositioned babies, yoga involves too many inversions that can cause a good positioned baby to move in a bad position. This is something I REALLY can't have happening! The last big thing is my pelvis. While a focus on a strong pelvic floor is essential for life health, particularly in pregnancy, not overstretching the pelvis, for me, is priority. It all seems so counter-intuitive to me because having an open pelvis (being able to squat strong) is great for birth but I need to keep my legs as closed as possible just to be comfortable. A major thing the chiropractor has mentioned that I feel strongly I may have this time around is

                                                     Symphsis Pubic Dysfunction

She just mentioned this last week and has since started adjusting my pelvis, paying great attention to the pubic symphsis area. Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (SPD) is most commonly associated with pregnancy and childbirth. It is a condition that causes excessive movement of the pubic symphysis, either anterior or lateral, as well as associated pain, possibly because of a misalignment of the pelvis.

With my second birth, my amazing breech birth, the chiropractor believes that I fractured my pubic symphsis during that birth. It may or may not have healed properly but then my fall down our stairs after my third birth, so soon after birth when the hormones are still surging through my joints, ligaments, muscles, and bones, it may have caused more trauma than anyone thought about at the time. This trauma cause my pelvis to not heal properly which has caused all of my back issues since that trauma. While this is all theory, it seems highly plausible.

Where do I go from here? I go into labor!!! Really, once the heavy pressure from an 8lb (or so) baby is off of my pelvis, this pain should subside and getting some post-birth adjustments from my chiropractor should align my pelvis back up for proper healing. I am exhausted and frustrated but I can't lay down the rest of this pregnancy because I have a family that needs me and it would cause me to be crazy! I am just going to have to heed the Lord's guidance and slow down, embrace this baby, and just read more books to my boys in efforts to rest! Prayer for a baby soon is most appreciated! I know the Lord's timing is best and I trust that. I also trust that He will cover this baby and me through the rest of this pregnancy AND heal my body completely! 

North Carolina Midwife Dilemma

Many of my friends and all of my family know that I am a huge homebirth advocate. I have planned (am planning) 4 homebirth and have successfully had two. My first ended in a transport for several reasons. We have always used the same midwife, though her practice was inactive for many years. Because she was a dear friend of ours, she just planned to be there for us and this time, she felt uneasy about it. The reason why is because North Carolina has criminalized midwives for providing safe care for mothers and babies in their most vulnerable time. We have such a backward government we live under and if more people stood up against them, they would not be able to get away with this crazy, financially driven nonsense. Arresting and prosecuting midwives who have amazing stats for providing loving and gentle, yet thorough care for mothers and babies seems asinine. And it truly is! I should clarify that Certified Nurse-Midwives (CNM's) are legal in North Carolina. Personally, these are not midwives that I prefer. They are far too medical minded for me and push for things that I would rather just see a doctor for. Visits with them are not loving and gentle to me but instead, pushy and clinical. It's just not my preference. Certified Profession Midwives (CPM's) are midwives who have completed their courses to become a midwife and have put in, likely more hours, than CNM's of real, live births. They are highly skilled under other midwives and while they can and do offer some medical routes of testing and such, they are usually pretty flexible with a clients declining. Visits tend to be calm and fun, with lots of talking and warm embraces. Direct-Entry Midwives (DEM's) or Lay-Midwives are USUALLY midwives who have completed the credentials to be CPM's but just decided not to become certified. This typically keeps them off of "the list" of local CPM's should the authorities start prosecuting. This is happening now! However, there are DEM/Lay-midwives who are highly untrained as well, having completed none of the courses needed to be certified. They usually don't have much of a practice because most people are unwilling to use them but they are out there and they CAN be dangerous because they do lack the skills and experience.(**These are all my own interpretations of the definition of midwives based on my experience. Feel free to set me straight!)

For this birth, we toyed with the idea of birthing unassisted. While I felt peace about it in the event that I must, I would rather not. The hospital is less than 2 miles from our house if we needed it and I felt we could handle it. But post baby, no mama wants to be thinking of herself. She wants to marvel in her baby and love her husband for this beautiful gift. I have romantic ideas about birth because I know how amazing it is and I didn't want to lose this because we decided to do an unassisted birth. I also felt a nagging fear in my mind of leaving my children orphans and my husband a widow because of our untrained ignorant eyes. This is not a romantic feeling. So we sought out a midwife. It took weeks to find someone still in practice and we settled on the first person we could find because it seemed there was no one else. We liked her well enough and although her practice was far more medical than my ideas, I felt I could deal. At the very least, we had someone to attend our birth. At the very best, we forge an awesome friendship and relationship with her.

We had several visits with her and each time I felt I did have to defend my decisions I previously didn't have to but I was okay with that. She didn't really know us and she didn't yet know that we pretty much decline everything unless there is a reason to move forward with it! We thought we would have to push for the non-medical romantic idea of birth but with my birth warrior husband, we were okay with that. Then on Sunday night at about 9:30pm, she called and told us that the authorities showed up at her house the previous day, served her with a cease and desist order, and she would no longer be able to continue as our midwife. Mind you, I was 36 weeks, 2 days pregnant at this point. She then informed us that we wouldn't be able to be refunded our money at this time, if ever she could figure it out. While I felt really bad for her and her family, I felt pretty bad for my family and myself. How on earth was I going to find another midwife this late in the game? How on earth was I going to ask my husband for yet more money to cover the cost of a new midwife after we've already depleted our savings for this birth and are just now trying to build it up while trying to buy a house? What am I going to do? We faced unassisted birth, yet again! She said she would try to find someone else to cover for her but everyone she contacted felt uneasy because they felt they were next. Plus, they were looking at attending a birth for no promise of payment. I reached out to a midwife I had sincerely wanted to use in the very beginning and just thought she was too far. I found out she isn't that much farther away, and she gave me some information. She said she would be willing to take over our care and attend our birth if we could come up with the fee. I explained how it would be impossible for us at this point but she offered payments and we strongly considered. Husband called the initial midwife and explained that she needed to refund us the money so we could replace her services. He told her we were planning to use the new midwife and what her fees were going to be. So they worked some situation out, I don't know what it is, I just know that it made a new midwife available to us!

Yesterday evening we visited with her and my overwhelming feelings of unease suddenly disappeared the moment she opened her door and embraced me! She was simply amazing and I stood in awe of how blessed I am! I know God saw this whole situation from beginning to end and it was only me who saw the overhwelming moments. He had it all handled! I truly feel this is the best situation! Our new midwife will forever have my business until she retires or I am done having children, which ever comes first! I will recommend her to anyone I know and pay any amount of money for her to be our midwife. I have a deep love for our very first midwife, who attended our last three births and because of her, I have a standard of care that I desire. The new midwife offers that also and I just felt so honored to be her client yesterday. My blood pressure was nice and low because I was so at ease. I would compare it to what I would feel if Ina May Gaskin were my midwife: a sense of awe that this awesome midwife would want to be mine! Although I could only have a few days left of my pregnancy or I may have a few weeks left, I look forward to my visits with her, getting to know her better, and once again, I am so excited to birth this baby.

Hopefully after reading this, you see what women are facing in North Carolina. Women deserve to have the birth they desire no matter where that is: hospital, birth center, home. In a state where you can abort your baby for whatever reason you can think of, in a country where the sanctity of life is so disregarded, in a nation where children are a burden and humanistic desires trump God's heart for children and family, in a western civilization with a maternal and infant mortality rate higher than most third world countries (we rank 137th in the world as of 2010), certainly this anti-midwife move to force more women into the institution is not for the safety of the mothers and their babies. No! It's pretty clear is purely for the bottom line. It's purely a financially motivated decision! I will not conform! Homebirth is NOT illegal in North Carolina. Husband and I can birth at home all day, obtain a birth certificate pretty easily (depending on county)! Having a trained midwife who has had more than 1300 babies born in her presence with a loss rate of 5/<1300 (.03816%), seems much safer to me. The bottom line is that I, as a woman, have the right to murder my baby via abortion anytime I want to up to 34 weeks pregnant, therefore, I should also possess the right to birth my baby where I want to, with whom I want to, when I want to. No one's lack of profit from my birth should play a role in my rights! What kind of free country do we live in when the most basic human right, the right to be born, is governed by greedy thieves and laws made for criminals? It is not criminal to give birth, last time I checked but more and more I feel like we are becoming a small China. It's getting ridiculous and I urge you to fight for the rights of ALL women in North Carolina, no matter where they choose to birth! There shouldn't have to be laws to license midwives. We mothers, we're a lot smarter than these bureaucrats believe! History proves that anytime you regulate something or outlaw something, an underground movement arises. Each day, I become more of a revolutionary! Husband would be proud! Here's to doing what's right even though it may not always be legal because when the law of the land goes again the Word of God AND against the rights of the people, the law must be contended with!

Family Changes

Welcoming a new baby is full

Of changes no matter how many children you have or don't have. It's exciting! Older children may have many questions. The actual event is surrounded by a spiritual mystery. No one knows when it will happen, how long it will take, how it will happen, or have any knowledge of this new person. All we know is it happens! In God's perfect timing, all babies come and all pregnant women give birth! 

In addition to this new baby that we pray for always, my dear sweet husband is working hard to get a new job! Husband works in finance and to him, numbers are numbers. He has a job that pays our bills. He likes his co workers. But he doesn't like the industry or methods of business he currently works in. Husband is an amazing employee and a super hard worker. I have always been so proud of him and his diligence to excellence! People truly love him everywhere no matter what the situation. His job is no different. The Lord has blessed him with such favor and because of that our family has been blessed as well! Now he is craving a change and for good reason. He hates to leave us for 8 hours every day and we pray that someday, he can work from home possibly owning his own business. Having to leave daily and not enjoy your job is frustrating. He deserves to love what he does! Spending 40+ hours per week in an office, dealing with a company's finances, a person should enjoy why they are working! He has single handedly worked his resume up in a company he has wanted to work with for the last four years. He initially had a phone interview for a job within the company but it was not the job he was seeking. He asked about the job he was after an they referred him to that recruiter. They had an hour and half phone interview that went amazingly well! She passed him along to his, would-be boss and they had a phone interview that went even better! Scheduling with high priority within a company for three rounds of interviews is always complicated but they finally nailed down his final interview. It will be with three of the top people in the company on Friday starting at 1:00 and lasting until about 4:00. Husband is so excited! He prayed to just have an opportunity and he would do what he can to make it happen as far as he could control. 

Should my dear husband get this job that I have been praying so hard for him to get, it would mean a big move for our family. It would mean possibly buying a house for our family to make a home, which really excites my homemaker heart. It was also means moving right after our new baby comes. This makes a nesting pregnant mama feel uneasy. I keep turning it over to The Lord and trust in Him to work it all out! This Friday while husband has his interviews, I am going to tag along and scout the area. It seems it's mostly woodlands and very few stores and the like are available. The house we have found is about 15 minutes' drive from the nearest grocery store which is fine with me! I have my heart pretty set in this particular house and already dream house I can paint and decorate and make it a true forever home for my sweet family. We will e workin with our realtor to see three houses this Friday after the interviews so that we can have a good idea on the area and what's available. We definitely have to wait until an offer for the job comes in, which could be two more weeks, and husband will have to work through negotiations. Then we can place an offer on the house and providing the government gets their act together (we are using a USDA loan program), we will be able to close right before Christmas! Ideally, that is perfect timing to us! 

I have been working hard on praying for my husband and our marriage the last two months. Not just general praying but for specific prayers. We have a great marriage and I love my husband with all of my heart! He's my best friend, a wonderful protector, provider, and priest of our home. He leads me and guides me, along with comforting me and showing me grace I really don't deserve. He is extremely forgiving and loving. I truly don't deserve him but I am beyond thankful for him! I couldn't have dreamed a more perfect man to be my husband! Sure, we all have things about another person that drives us batty sometimes but in the end, he is everything I never knew I needed! He is strong where I'm weak and he's weak where I'm strong and we are a team. We're always accountable to one another and I can't imagine a marriage any other way! 

So as I pray for this wonderful man, who enables me to stay home and raise our family the way God has led us to, I have been trying to set my humanly, fleshly selfishness aside and focus on the blessing this would be to him! This would give him the job he has wanted for four years. It would put him in the country living like he's always dreamed of. It opens up an array of projects for him to do with our children. It affords him the ability to love where he's going daily and be passionate about the company he is working for. I desire this so much for him! I desire blessing and favor over him! 

For me, I truly desire to have a home of our own that we can make a homestead. I want the land for our children to have the freedom to be children and explore the world God has blessed them with. More than anything, I truly desire to live with my family in a place that is new for all of us. We have always talked about a great adventure in our lives and I am eager to see how God will use us in this possible great adventure! I must admit my selfishness, my sin, that I have always disliked the area we live in. Husband grew up here and that alone makes for loneliness, but there is some imaginary "club" that you are outcast from if you too did not grow up here. Husband and I got married young, and The Lord immediately blessed us with a baby before all of husband's friends and that separated me, especially, from being able to make deep connections with others because while they were out partying and having couple weekends, I was nursing a high needs baby every twenty minutes, twenty-four hours a day. And until you have had a child, the thought to offer new parents help never crosses your mind. I have had to give forgiveness and have grace in certain situations I haven't been able to understand. Now I realize that we are "black sheep" because we make different choices for our family that others feel is either insulting or wrong. We have made choices for our family that's BEST for our family, but others perceive that to be offensive. We are surrounded by all of husband's family and are always the ones going to visit. We've lived in this house for two years and have been visited by two people for about ten minutes. (Except husband's parents who have been such a blessing to us!) So, selfishly I want to move a bit father away so that we can meet new people together and enjoy new activities together as a family. I desire for us to grow and flourish with people none of us know and that know none of us! This selfish desire, I seek forgiveness for because I truly don't want to seek after something sinfully! More than anything, I seek after these changes to bless my dear family! 

 We have found a beautiful home that could be amazing for us! I am awaiting The Lord and trusting with sincere faith that He sees the desires of our hearts and will bless us according to His will for us. Never do we ever want to push for something that hasn't passed through the loving hands of our gracious Father. It seems silly to seek Him for things like this but I know He desires us to seek Him in all things. He has placed the desires in our hearts. Having boys and being married to a man, I know they desire adventure, exploration, man activities. As a woman and potentially a mother to daughters some day, I desire to make a home, to teach my children what a mother does for her family in dedication to the Word of God. And if I never have a daughter, I desire to show my sons what a Godly woman is and what to expect in the woman they choose to spend their lives with. I seek all of these things for my family because I seek righteousness and a life worshiping the King of Kings for my whole family! I am reading a new book that has me focusing on seeking God in every area of life, down to my responses and thoughts about simple things. I truly desire that every area of my life be an act of worship. That my humanistic tendencies never creep into my daily life. This is my job: my family. I seek the things that will bless them before anything else! Nothing prepares you for marriage and certainly, nothing prepares you for parenthood! As I feel I am navigating this path of life blindly, I know that while I feel in the dark sometimes, Jesus is my light and He guides me. My prayer is that I never overstep my Creator and that if it is not His will, that he removes the desires from my heart! I never want to desire what The Lord has not planned for me. 

So I pray, dear reader, that you will keep our family in your prayers! We face many changes in the upcoming weeks and months and while they can seem overwhelming at times, we are excited at the possibilities of this new life! Please pray that the desires of our hearts are answered with more than we could ask or think but also pray that if our desires are not the Lord's, that we understand without disappointment because God's ways are always higher than ours and His thoughts always higher than ours! Thank you!

Gardening and sin

Today has been a beautiful day! The weather is amazing! I love the fall time and it seems we are just teetering on the edge of 70 degree days and 50-60 degree nights. Since the day is so amazing and all of my household chores are done, at least enough I feel at ease to spend some time outdoors, that is what we did! I had a few flower beds to clean up, some plants to transplant, and I really wanted to get my patio gazebo somewhat bug proof! 

My oldest child, J, found a bow and arrow he really wants for his birthday. It costs $30. I so desperately want to get it for him but I am having to restrain because his kitten was his birthday present from us AND husband told him that he needed to either ask for it for his birthday, earn the money to buy it himself, or a combination of the two! In his effort to begin saving money, he decided to help me pull weeds and grass. He actually did a wonderful

job and I will probably give him $1. It literally took us 10-15 minutes! 

During our time weeding, J asked me why there are weeds and why they are brown and yucky. I explained how weeds are a product of sin and how sin is like weeds. He asked if weeds kill our flowers and I told him yes. We talked about how God made us beautiful and perfect like the flowers but when we allow sin in our lives, it's like the weeds and grass, it kills out our joy, beauty, and perfection and it makes us dry and brown. He was so perceptive and really understood what I was telling him. 

I know the Bible is perfectly cohesive and clear and concise in its presentation of the only true gospel. We should not add or take away from it. I believe this! It certainly was not my intention to do this in explaining sin to my child. In working   really hard on teaching our children about sin, their sin nature, and their need for salvation, I feel it is important to make the Gospel alive! It's important to me that my children can see God in their daily lives as they go about working necessary tasks and its my desire that everything they do can direct them back to the cross. Children don't typically mimic your advice but they do mimic your actions. My deepest desire in raising my children is that I lead them to a life of righteousness through the grace and mercy of my Savior, Jesus! We are called to be the primary educators of our children, not allowing others to pollute their holy temple. "¹⁸ Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. ¹⁹ Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.²⁰ Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates,²¹ so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth." (Deuteronomy 11:18-21) 

It is not anyone else's responsibility to teach my child of their Savior! It is solely the responsibility of a parent! Likewise, no one else should be teaching a child morality, obedience, or respect other than their parents! So far we have come away from children being raised in the home. Now children are being raised by tv, teachers, day care workers, nannies, iPods, and game systems. Let's vow to come back to the simplicity of God's Word and teach our children at all times of the day of the Lord's ways. Let us set and be the example to live by! This requires parents to be righteous and virtuous in their walk with Christ, yet when we fall short, as we will, let us show our children repentance and reconciliation. Did you know that you can have many different ministries but ALL OF US HAVE A MINISTRY OF RECONCILIATION that Christ has given us and expects us to utilize?  ¹⁷ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creationhas come:^[a] The old has gone, the new is here! ¹⁸ All this is from God,who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: ¹⁹ that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.²⁰ We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. ²¹ God made him who had no sin to be sin^[b] for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. (2 Corinthians 5:17-21)

What better gift can we give our children than to teach them the ways of The Lord when they rise, go about, come and go? This leads them to the cross and directs their eyes toward Jesus and I can't think of anything more I want my children to learn in their lives than their need for a Savior and their acceptance of Salvation!

One of those days!

I am having one of those days where no matter what my intention was when I awoke, it has been uphill from there! I woke, prayed, made beds, dressed children...just really purposes to have an awesome day enjoying my children! They have been such a joy to me. Maybe it's hormones, my increasing discomfort (from pulling a pelvic muscle), or just satan...maybe all three... It's been one of those day! The kind you want to tuck back into bed and have a do-over. The kind you could sit in your closet and cry in frustration. The kind that makes me re-think my purpose. Maybe I missed my calling and I need to look for a job outside of the home! That's the kind I day today has been! I'd like to yoga tonight but my torn or over-stretched pelvic floor is screaming just lying down, that that may not be the best idea. A pedicure sounds great, since I no longer can self paint my toe nails due to the watermelon I sport. But we are diligently working on sticking to our budget in effort to save and that spending was not planned! In this house, where I am outnumbered 4:1, there's no escape from the, "Mom can we... Can I... What are you doing?... We're hungry...We're thirsty...MAMA!!!  I need to go to the bathroom!" 'S! If I could have ice cream, I'd sneak away for a pint of butter pecan and lock myself away in my room with it! And considering how I feel about my day, the allergic reaction to the dairy might be worth it! 

It told Husband that I am going to stop

Praying and reading my Bible because the days I am diligent to set time aside for that are the days when everyone and everything goes crazy! Please know I won't be doing that but it's so frustrating! I know what's going on, though! God has a plan and satan sets out to ruin it! I've been through this before! I am just not as strong about taking the time recollect in the heat of the moment! In this is where my prayer life needs to be directed to!

The joys of today are:

We all awoke with breath in our lungs and right working bodies!

My children are healthy!

We face trials to overcome and defeat the plans of the enemy! 

We have a home.

My husband has a job that takes care of all of our needs and more.

We have freedom to worship!

Jesus lives!

Tomorrow is a completely new day! 

Praising God for His constant love when I am most unlovable and most undeserving. Praising Him for forgiving children who show me the need for a Savior through their sinful nature! I was softly prompted by God in my spirit today that one of the reasons He blesses us with children is to show us how sinful we are and to show us our desperate need for Him! This is so true in my life! I'm walking blindly on this path seeking righteousness and the only person who can help me is God! If you have one of these days, take comfort in that you are not alone! 

Our new dietary adventure

It's been a while, I know! We have been all consumed with our school days and I have been trying to keep up our home, while keeping current on appointments, fully potty-learning our 20 month old, and baby preparation. And sneaking in a bit of rest! I think we may have gotten into a groove here and just as I say that, I am sure things will change again!

The other thing I have been working diligently and researching on is our diet. For the most part, we ate what I would consider a better than Standard American Diet (SAD). Mostly organic when available and little meat, whole grains, and little dairy. Yet despite my children not being chronically sick, something had never seemed right. Particularly with my middle, X. I knew I was dairy allergic and have been off dairy for quite some time. When I have trace amounts, I suffer immensely for it with terrible belly aches and feeling sickly for days. However, recently, after eating, especially bread, I would being the same type of suffering. I knew I wasn't eating dairy, I was baking myself. But somehow I was still experiencing these symptoms of allergy. Or at least intolerance. Nothing I needed an EpiPen for! (Unless bees are involved!) So I began researching probiotics. I found the brand I would be happy getting for our family. I have pretty high standards when it comes to supplements. They were $65 for 90 capsules and you had to take 2 per day. That is only a 45 day supply for one person. I have five, almost six people. Spending $325-390 per month on just probiotics seemed insane to me. I want the best for my family, really honest, I do. But I just can't justify that financially.

By the grace of God, Husband came home and brought an invitation to gluten and allergen expo and along with two wonderful ladies from church, we went to learn more and find companies catering to this growing populous of people with these allergies. I needed to do something for my family. We listened to a speaking who spoke on Healing Foods. She is from a company called GRUB out of Charlotte, NC and she helps people who need information on healing their bodies with food. She showcased her Water Kefir kit and explained the probiotic value in it. She talked about her children and how she knew she needed to make changes. She talked about the tell-tale signs of allergies, intolerances, and sensitivities to foods. A light bulb went off in my head! I have been inadvertently poisoning my children because of my own ignorance and lack of knowledge. No one has ever told me these things. All along I have been focused on meat as the main aggressor to the body and eliminating our meat intake when really, we should be eliminating what is hurting us! I bought the kit, began our kefir journey, and the following week, cleaned our kitchen and pantry of all dairy and gluten products and am slowly restocking our shelves. I am learning along this process.

The evidence of the necessity is making this lifestyle change so worth it. My middle child, who I suspected had some things going on, has been my proof and feeling great after eating myself, has made it all the better. I have always described X as having sensory issues. He hated sheets, clothes, socks, shoes, water, anything that might cause his skin any amount of discomfort. The simplest things would drive him crazy and he has a personality that feeds it too. One day he could eat carrots, not problem. The next the sound of chewing carrots made him not want to eat them. He has never in his life had a solid bowel movement. And he bites his nails until they bleed. All of these things could easily be thought of as sensory disorder and I know that if I brought it to our pediatrician, she would have diagnosed him with that very thing. In just a bit over a week of eliminating dairy and gluten from our diet and consuming the water kefir, that my children call "Magic Spicy Drink" and would drink entire jars of if I would allow it, I have noticed a HUGE change in my body. I feel cleaner and lighter. I feel more awake and able to function clearly. I don't hurt after every meal! In X, I notice so many changes. He is sleeping all night. He is sleeping with pajamas and blankets. He is much more agreeable and joyful, which has been my prayer for a long time. He has eaten so many new foods, finding he loves sauerkraut and tacos for the first time! What I noticed just yesterday as he was bragging on himself, the child has stopped biting his nails! I didn't even really put the two together. I looked it up online and found that it is one of the signs of Celiac Disease. I told him about a year ago, if he would stop biting his nails, I would paint them. I am not a person who allows or thinks boys should pain their nails, but I made the promise because I never thought I would see the day. Last night, after baths, I had to actually clip his nails for the first time and then I painted them his chosen blue color. That will be taken off before his sleep over at his ultra-conservative grandparents' house on Friday or I will never hear the end of my insanity! I am just so proud of him! He played with a large group of children yesterday and showed kindness and compassion and love. This is a new child! Last night I made a HUGE offense! I allowed them a coconut milk ice cream sandwich as a special treat. They loved them! X woke this morning with a hurting tummy and such incontinence in his bowels that he actually had a pooping accident and was mortified. I feel terrible because when I looked at the box, it clearly said "Contains Wheat." What have I done? I got comfortable not checking labels at Whole Foods and slipped and now we suffer for it and begin again! The great thing from this is I know for sure what the problem has been this entire time! For almost 4 years I  have been hurting my baby and didn't even realize. I have been nourishing their bodies with what I thought was healthy food, never allowing candy or commerical dairy but all along, putting toxins in through offenders of the over-processed life we lead for convenience sake. At this point, we will remain dairy and gluten free. Husband thought it would be terrible because he loves cheese and bread since we cannot eat out, I have been cooking wonderful meals, simple but wonderful, and he is in food Heaven. He said if I continue to cook like this, he wills stay gluten and dairy free forever. Not only at home but even when he is eating out with co-workers, he is following the lifestyle change.

Many people look at this move as drastic or over the top. Many see it as jumping on some new craze bandwagon. Many just think it's ridiculous! In the South, it's usually the latter. This comes from a place of uneducation and ignorance. No one is setting out to offend you with their food choices. What I have found is this is the line of eating to live or living to eat. In our home, we choose to Glorify our Creator and in doing that, have always said that food is our biggest expense as food is the source of health and glory to the King in keeping the temple of the Holy Spirit clean. God did say that all food was clean that you could find on the earth. However, I challenge you to explore the source of the foods you eat. Are they from the earth or from a factory? Are they in their natural state or altered for faster production and fiscal gain? Are they as God created them in the first 7 days of the world's existence or have they been genetically, hormonally, and unnaturally altered? If we could find raw dairy and raw dairy products, we would happily consume dairy because I know with my allergy, I can easily consume raw forms of dairy just fine. But we live in a state where raw dairy sale is illegal so we omit it! If I could grow my own wheat from a non-GMO source, soak it as it once was done, and be sure that the handling process was done as it was 100 years ago, we would eat bread. But I can't do that at this point so we omit it. We can find organic, grass fed beef and chicken so we consume those things!

The bottom line is this: I live for my family. They are my full time job. You do your best work at your job to keep your job. If I am not doing my best work here, then I should lose my job! I love my job and I feel it's the best job on the planet and there is NOTHING I would rather do. I research a lot to be sure I have the best information and am applying it the best ways. Gluten and Dairy free is not for everyone. I don't think you should eliminate things from your diet unless they are aggressors to your body. I happen to believe that anything processed is an aggressor to any one's body and we truly don't know what it feels like to feel healthy and good because from the womb, we have been poisoned unknowingly. I do feel, however, that everyone should do an elimination diet for 21 days and slowly add foods back in to find out if they have been feeling sick and never truly knew. For every person, this process will look different. For us, it's been easy to go cold turkey. If we have cheats, we'll never make the entire jump. For some it may be a slow process. Clearly, I am making mistakes along the way and we are learning from them. This is what life is all about. Be an advocate for yourself! Stand up and be proud of your choices and knowing that you are doing what is going to give you the best life possible. As a mother, no one is going to advocate for my child but me and I must defend them in all ways possible. I have been entrusted with these little souls and the responsibility to raise them in the ways they should go. I happen to believe this is the way to a healthy life for my family and I educate my children on the reasons why. Just so you know, they don't feel they are missing anything so far. But we haven't been to eat at any one's house yet. We may have to decline any invitations for some time!