Patiently waiting or waiting patiently?

Patience truly is a virtue. Knowing this is a practice we must face with intention, our little family has been working on it. Husband has been working on his patience with the new job situation. And here I lie, desperately craving the Lord's blessing of patience in me. With the exception of my first birth, I have experienced horrible prodromal labor. If it started at 36, 37, 38, 39 weeks, I would be okay waiting it out. I believe in full term babies and never rushing the process. But here I am at 40 weeks 3 days and I have been in prodromal labor: intense contractions that sustain a pattern for several hours convincing you that your precious little baby is certainly on it's way, only to lie in the end when it tapers off and leaves you exhausted, sore, and disappointed! This is a variation of what I have encountered for about 4 days now. My difference is that all night long while sleeping, I have intense contractions that don't allow me to change my position to get comfortable. While I am awake during the day, I have them each time I get active and my inner legs go numb from the intensity. I have prayed each time, it seems like all day: Lord, give me the one big sign I need to know this is it. If it's not it, take it away. It is really important to me that the midwife gets here and my precious birth team gets here in time to offer me the support my heart so desires and I truly feel I need. I don't want to "cry wolf" and I don't want people to think that at my 4th baby, I still don't know what labor is. So please, Lord, answer the desires of my heart and see the value in my requests. Amen!

As I reflect tonight, I feel bad for contacting the midwife twice about my fake labor. I feel bad that I have neglected my family for three nights in a row to tend to the focus on bringing this baby into the world. I feel bad for my husband who gets equally excited about meeting his new baby and has helped prepare my nest, only to be disappointed. I sit in my bed, exhausted from getting about 3 hours of sleep the last two nights, having contractions all day and all night, and still having contractions. I love being pregnant! I love giving birth! I very much dislike the waiting patiently on the labor to really start. I want nothing more in the world than to meet this baby. Believe me, no one wants him here more than me! So, if you see me out and about, try not to ask if I am still pregnant! I am, clearly defined by this huge bulge in my midsection. :*)  Please don't take my exhaustion as rudeness.

I pray that Tuesday, when we see the midwife, that she will give us some ways to encourage labor. Possible manipulating my cervix a bit. The chiropractor aligned things last week and began this whole situation, I believe. The contractions are doing something because I am about 4-5cm's dilated. Though that means nothing, really, since I walked around 6 cm's with my second pregnancy for two weeks! My water has never broken until right before I started pushing so while I pray my water breaks to start labor, I don't hold much hope for it! If you are thinking right now, "This woman has had 3 babies already and doesn't know what labor is?" My answer is yes, I have no idea what labor is! If I were a traditional maternity patient, I would have visited the Ob ward ten times by now and probably convinced that pitocin would work wonders on me. It likely would have had our baby here last week. But I am patiently waiting on the Lord to say, "Today is the day. This is the day your sweet baby is going to be in your arms." My children have prayed that "this tonight" is the night and I stand in agreement! My last birth was about 3 hours start to finish so we still have many hours to this night! If it's tomorrow or next Tuesday, whenever the Lord decides to bring our miracle to us, I will rest in His sovereignty over this whole process. The womb is the secret place and in the end, birth is God's business. I trust faithfully in that! If we can naturally encourage the process though, I will welcome that too!

Pregnancy Differences

Yesterday I hit the 39 week mark. Typically, I go over my dates a couple weeks and I hold no expectations on a "due" date or even a near birth day at this point. Each pregnancy is so different. Previously, at this point in pregnancy I would experience that crowded feeling, low appetite, frequent urination, restless sleep, and severe exhaustion. These seem quite typical across the board for most women. Despite feeling those things, I previously have never feel discomfort. Full of baby but not truly uncomfortable.

This time around, I am not sure if it's just subsequent pregnancies, too much yoga in early pregnancy, early release of relaxin, my ligamentous laxity disorder, previous birth trauma, my extreme fall down the stairs after my last birth (resulting in emergency surgery two weeks post birth), or a combination of these things, but I am in more discomfort than I can ever remember. I have suffered pelvic issues this entire pregnancy and have seen the chiropractor more than I can count. It has helped tremendously and I cannot imagine where I'd be without their help. I have experienced the clicky pelvis previously and tailbone pain but nothing like what I am experiencing this time.

I have a sincere compassion for women in late pregnancy and understand, though do not condone, women wanting to "get birth over with." I have begged God to just bring this baby, for selfish reasons, admittedly. I know the benefits of a full term pregnancy and my history of going longer than "due" is expected. To be barely able to walk without severe pelvic pain, numb inner thighs, unproductive stimulation of contractions, and pelvic bone grinding is so aggravating. I dream of those weeks snuggling in bed with my precious little guy, bonding with him, and getting to know who he is. I feel I have been so busy through this pregnancy, particularly these last 6 weeks or so, that I haven't taken the time to embrace this pregnancy, bond with this baby, and focus on the birth. So though I really want to give birth and have him here, I just don't know how prepared I am this time around. This might be what God is walking me through. I feel He desires for me to slow down but I want to keep my boys going in their classes until I can't, be in church, have a clean home, cabinets stocked, and stay busy. One reason I feel I busy myself is that I don't have to focus on the things that can go wrong if I am not focusing on any of it! I trust my body, I trust my God, I trust my baby, I trust birth! However, after you have the social norm of 2.1 children, the doubt of healthy babies sets in and you question how "lucky" you could possibly be again. These fears have plagued me this pregnancy. So in keeping busy, I am avoiding facing those fears that I have turned over to God but creep in.

Being prenatal yoga certified, I would like to say that yoga has helped me but yoga is not my friend right now. Yoga has not been my friend for a couple months now. One, I feel claustrophobic doing yoga late in pregnancy. I really enjoy prenatal pilates in late pregnancy but yoga make me feel like I can't breath. With a history of malpositioned babies, yoga involves too many inversions that can cause a good positioned baby to move in a bad position. This is something I REALLY can't have happening! The last big thing is my pelvis. While a focus on a strong pelvic floor is essential for life health, particularly in pregnancy, not overstretching the pelvis, for me, is priority. It all seems so counter-intuitive to me because having an open pelvis (being able to squat strong) is great for birth but I need to keep my legs as closed as possible just to be comfortable. A major thing the chiropractor has mentioned that I feel strongly I may have this time around is

                                                     Symphsis Pubic Dysfunction

She just mentioned this last week and has since started adjusting my pelvis, paying great attention to the pubic symphsis area. Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (SPD) is most commonly associated with pregnancy and childbirth. It is a condition that causes excessive movement of the pubic symphysis, either anterior or lateral, as well as associated pain, possibly because of a misalignment of the pelvis.

With my second birth, my amazing breech birth, the chiropractor believes that I fractured my pubic symphsis during that birth. It may or may not have healed properly but then my fall down our stairs after my third birth, so soon after birth when the hormones are still surging through my joints, ligaments, muscles, and bones, it may have caused more trauma than anyone thought about at the time. This trauma cause my pelvis to not heal properly which has caused all of my back issues since that trauma. While this is all theory, it seems highly plausible.

Where do I go from here? I go into labor!!! Really, once the heavy pressure from an 8lb (or so) baby is off of my pelvis, this pain should subside and getting some post-birth adjustments from my chiropractor should align my pelvis back up for proper healing. I am exhausted and frustrated but I can't lay down the rest of this pregnancy because I have a family that needs me and it would cause me to be crazy! I am just going to have to heed the Lord's guidance and slow down, embrace this baby, and just read more books to my boys in efforts to rest! Prayer for a baby soon is most appreciated! I know the Lord's timing is best and I trust that. I also trust that He will cover this baby and me through the rest of this pregnancy AND heal my body completely!