Gunner Jedidiah Seawell

He's here! He's been here for almost two weeks now! I'm a slacker. In my defense, I have been recovering, embracing, and praying for the ability to process my birth experience. Tuesday November 19, 2013 we headed to visit the midwife as I was 4 days over my guess date and tired of having contractions that didn't seem to produce anything promising. She checked my progress but it wasn't anything that even hinted "ready" and she decided not to encourage anything. She just said to go home and try not to encourage them. Throughout the entire day: our lunch out, a small trip to Target, picking our oldest son up from homeschool classes and chatting, my trip to the grocery store, I had contractions. They were enough to take my breath away but nothing new and nothing that anyone else would know of. I was pretty convinced that this day was not the day for a baby and just kept on with the things I would normally do. At 9:30pm I was having pretty consistent contractions coming 4 minutes apart, lasting 1 minute or so. Nothing I did would make them lengthen out and my previous ones never got closer than 5 minutes apart. I told husband that at 10:30pm, if they hadn't stopped and/or increased, I wanted to call everyone because I was pretty sure it was time. He sent a text to the midwife letting her know and she said she was headed to bed, to call when/if things got interesting. He sent a text to our birth team giving them a head's up and letting them know our plan. He took the older boys to bed and I remained on the birth ball just praying my way through the contractions, talking to my sweet baby. At 10:15pm, as husband was filling the birth tub, I felt an intense jolt and a small gush of fluid. I jokingly told husband, "Either my water just broke or I peed myself!" And I thought I had peed myself! But when I stood up from the ball, fluid flowed down my leg. I knew it was my water. What I didn't expect is when I sat down on the toilet, finding my pants covered in blood and gushes of blood happening. Quickly I ran through the risks: low lying placenta-they told me it was nice and high, rupture-blood loss should be much quicker, problems with baby-he was moving around and kicking. I looked it up online, only because I had contraction tracker open to time contractions and it said blood was normal in water breaking so I was good. It subsided except the few gushes I had here and there. Husband called the midwife and birth team at 10:20pm telling them it was indeed time! They all rushed to our house. I got in the birth pool and felt great. It made me buoyant and took the pressure off of my lower back where I had been feeling the bulk of my contractions. Contractions stalled a little bit but then picked up once I settled in the pool. My birth team quickly arrived around 11:30pm and were in motion just as fast. Husband's mother tended to our 2 year old who couldn't find rest except watching Chugginton on our bed. She laid with him in his bed until he fell asleep. My two dear friends were quickly at my side, soothingly rubbing my arms and back, pouring warm water over my exposed skin that was cold. It was everything birth should be. The three younger women who were here were great. They did things I don't even know of. Their sheer presence, knowing that my birth was changing their views and opinions on birth as they know it meant so much to me. I strive to live my life in a way that people see Jesus in me and I rarely feel like I ever achieve that. Never in my life do I feel as I am doing more for the Kingdom of God than when I am in birth and it blessed me to know that I was doing what I was created to do and allowing others to participate with me. By this point, about 11:45pm I was having strong contractions and feeling the need to just push my baby down. With each contractions, I would just give a squeeze and only because it relieved the pain of the contraction. I remember thinking of each contraction as a wave and envisioning the waves building, building, building, peaking, and then crashing down into barely a ripple. I would mentally view each contraction this way, moaning through, sometimes vocalizing loudly, and then focusing back on chatting with my amazing birth team. Husband faithfully kept my water warm. I had a contraction pattern that was different from what I am use to. I would have a contraction, a short 30 second space and another contraction, then I would have a few minute rest. Each time I just kept squeezing my body with each contraction in hopes I was bringing my baby down with it. By 12:15am, I couldn't talk between contractions because they were just so hard it took all I had between them to compose myself. I was losing my focus of the waves quickly because they just felt like they were peaking way higher than any wave I've ever seen. I silently asked God to give me relief. I decided continual prayer was best at this point! I felt best laying in the water with my belly forward. I tried different positions but none felt quite as comfortable. At 12:20am our midwife arrived and I asked her to check my progress. I needed a point of reference because all I could think about was how I needed my baby here right now and I wanted to be done with this! At 12:35am, she checked me and just said I had a bit to go. I wasn't bold enough to beg her to just tell me where I was. I asked if I could push now because it felt so much better and gave me a sense of accomplishment. (I was actually found to be at 5-6cm but she didn't want to tell me that because I was working so hard, having such intense contractions, and it would have been discouraging. I'm so glad she didn't say anything.) It felt good and I was encouraged to push gently unless it hurt, so I did. I noticed my midwife preparing things as I was vocalizing through contractions and I felt like I was getting close. I am thinking how it's time to get my boys here for this moment as they prayed for their baby to come tonight! I eventually felt my baby almost thump in my pelvis and I could start to feel my body opening to allow him out. Time is such a funny thing while in labor. It just doesn't exist. Or maybe it does but it seems so much longer than it really is. I just lose all concept! With each contraction, sweet and loving voices are quietly encouraging me. They are the voices of women who have gone before me, telling me I'm doing so good, compassionately humming along with me through my pain, praying in agreement with me. It's the voice of my amazing husband telling me he's right there with me. After I feel my baby descend, I start pushing, trying to feel for his head because in my mind, I know it must be close. I can't feel it but I push through each contraction anyway. Then I feel it and I know I cannot fight a crowning head any longer so with my  next contraction, I push with everything and his head is born. I go from being forward in the water, to being on one knee with the other fanned out, almost in a modified squat. I know this will open my pelvis and allow the baby more space as well as being upright, gravity would be on my side. At this point, I can't get another contraction to come. It feels as though too much time has passed with his head out and I begin pushing just to ignite a contraction and get my baby off of my perineum. This being my first water birth, the feeling of his head just floating there with little pressure on my perineum area is odd but so much more bearable than my previous births. My midwife says, at least I think it was her and I think this is what she said, "Just feel for his head and gently push your baby down and out. Don't strain." I say, "But his head is out!" Immediately action ensues! Using a flashlight, my midwife tries to look and see how things are going. I presume to check on cord and such. I don't realize it but something is happening. Finally, finally, another contraction comes and I push. It ends and I rest for a few seconds, then another and I push again. At 12:55am, I feel my slithery little baby glide right out of my body, where I grew him and nurtured him for 10 months, into the water. My midwife tells someone to turn on lights. As soon as they do, I bring my baby out of the water and he is covered in blood and his mouth is full of blood. His, mine, we aren't sure. I hold him to me as close as I can with his short cord but I realize this isn't normal. We have a few moments together while they cover the floor and then we are directed to get out of the pool and onto the floor to see what kind of bleeding situation is taking place. He is perfection. Trying to breath, making noises, perfect color, working on opening his eyes to see me. As I sit on the floor, getting to know my sweet new baby, I hear my second child, my 4 year old, say, "You know, Grandma? I really wanted a sister." And we all erupt with laughter! The joy of the Lord! Husband starts talking to me and Gunner looks at his daddy with adoration as if saying, "I know you. I've heard you all of this time." Not long after we are sitting on the floor, my placenta comes. The cord is clamped and cut and I can finally bring my baby close enough to kiss and snuggle. I get that moment where I look at him and can't see anything else. I can't hear anything else. It's just me and this miracle child. Apparently, my blood loss is significant and the reason I am on the floor is to assess the severity of the situation. The birth pool is murky at best. You can't see anything except dark water. I tend to have a high blood loss volume post birth anyhow, but this seems much more serious. Despite all of that, I am in my birth haze. I just want to shower and be fresh for my baby and I want to get in bed and cuddle him close. I do get in bed, sans shower, and snuggle up with my sweet little pumpkin. He is examined and I am examined. I figure I am kept from the shower to assess how I will respond to the blood loss. No one wants me passing out in the shower! While I lay in bed getting to know my precious baby, it is revealed what a miracle he truly is. It is believed, though no one will ever know, I had a velamentous insertion with vasa previa. This is a condition that only occurs in 1% of singleton pregnancies, cannot be determined during pregnancy unless the ultrasound is specific and everything is positioned just so, and typically ends in the death of the baby. The hypothesis is that when my water broke, it rupture a vessel which caused the bleeding. Then when the baby engaged, his head pinched off the bleeding from the vessel but when he was born, it broke a chunk of the vessel off causing the bleeding in the birth pool. There is no way to know if the blood was maternal, fetal, or placental. It's likely it wasn't fetal since he had great apgar scores and was doing great post birth. It's more likely it was mostly maternal and some placental since the placenta was nearly void of blood volume. Another thought is that I had a low lying placenta and when my water broke, a chunk of the placenta broke with it. Lastly, I could have had a post partum hemorrhage and/or any variation of these thing! Like I said, we'll never know 100% for sure, nor would they in a medical setting. We are just thankful for God's hand upon us!

God is so amazing! My midwife is 2 hours from us and we prayed that there would be a sign that would ensure she would make it in time. My water has never broken to start labor but this time, it did! And she made it to our house at 12:20am just in time for a 12:55am birth! In a situation that could have gone so very wrong, it went so perfectly wonderful. The grace in it is that it happened quickly. We have lamented what would have happened in the hospital and given the initial blood loss, they would have pushed hard for a c-section. If we had avoided that, upon birth, where there was blood visible in his mouth, they would have suctioned him and yanked him from my body. He would have been whisked away to the nursery and likely, because of our small town hospital, he would have been transferred to another hospital with a NICU. I would have had my placenta forcefully removed from my body, causing much more bleeding than necessary and I likely would have been given drugs to control the bleeding and likely a blood transfusion to replenish the 1000mL of blood lost. My sweet baby would have been tortured with tests, lights, foreign objects, and strangers. He would not have been allowed to breastfeed until I was able to get to him. His first moments would have been spent scared and alone. Then when he passed bloody meconium, they would have wanted to run more tests to see where this bleeding was coming from. While it was from the blood he ingested in the birth process they would have thought it to be an ulcer or hernia. Please, please don't think I don't appreciate the medical technology we have available to us. I just know in our situation, while it could have gone very wrong, our specific situation would have been made much worse, possibly life-threatening in the medical setting. God's sovereign hand of mercy was certainly upon us from the beginning to the end.

I write this while my sweet baby boy lie asleep on my chest. His loud sleep noises bring joy to my heart. I am beyond thankful that God saw me fit to be the mother of this child and that His plan is so great for this baby, that despite the odds, He gave life to this child. Looking back, I am thankful that my intuition told me in early pregnancy that I needed a midwife. I am thankful that my initial midwife wasn't able to see our pregnancy through due to legal reasons and that this God-sent angel of a midwife decided to take us on as clients. Without her, without my birth team of the 6 most precious women in my life, without my birth warrior husband, without my children, I don't know that this birth would have been the same. I am so thankful for a body that bears life full term. I am even thankful for my anomalies. It seems each birth, I have some rare thing take place but God sees me through each and every time, revealing to me that He is in control of everything. He is the Alpha and the Omega. He is my refuge and my hope. When it all seems out of control, God reminds me that He is in control. I cannot express what my heart feels adequately. There just are not words to explain. I am indebted to each person who stood by my side at this birth. They know who they are and there is no way I could say thank you in a way that truly shows what I feel. I have said before, and I say it again, I will always use our midwife. She forever has my business. In fact, I asked her today if she would be there for us if there is a next time. Thankfully, she said yes!

Please know that if I needed to use a hospital to birth at, I would! No one wants healthy babies more than I do! I promise you that! Hopefully you can see in my experience compared to the standard of care I described in a hospital setting, the homebirth choice was best for us! There is currently very little diagnostic for the situation I had. I have never had that before and likely will never have it again. The vessels had to be in just the right place and my water broke in just the right place near the vessel and the placenta had to be in just the right place....nothing about it is certain! Birth is God's business and my experience clearly shows that to be true! I saw UNC several times in my pregnancy, saw a midwife for my other visits, had two ultrasounds. No one could have predicted this situation! I trust in the Lord, in the body He created, in my body to do what it was created to do, and in myself! I own my births. They belong to me and the outcomes are my sole responsibility. I am thankful for a healthy baby and for a healthy body. I am thankful for life! I am thankful for a God-fearing, supportive husband. I am thankful for my children. I am thankful for my Jesus who made this all possible!

Gunner Jedidiah (means: Bold Warrior, Beloved of God) Seawell, 9lb 1oz, 20 3/4" long, born November 20, 2013 @ 12:55am at home

Patiently waiting or waiting patiently?

Patience truly is a virtue. Knowing this is a practice we must face with intention, our little family has been working on it. Husband has been working on his patience with the new job situation. And here I lie, desperately craving the Lord's blessing of patience in me. With the exception of my first birth, I have experienced horrible prodromal labor. If it started at 36, 37, 38, 39 weeks, I would be okay waiting it out. I believe in full term babies and never rushing the process. But here I am at 40 weeks 3 days and I have been in prodromal labor: intense contractions that sustain a pattern for several hours convincing you that your precious little baby is certainly on it's way, only to lie in the end when it tapers off and leaves you exhausted, sore, and disappointed! This is a variation of what I have encountered for about 4 days now. My difference is that all night long while sleeping, I have intense contractions that don't allow me to change my position to get comfortable. While I am awake during the day, I have them each time I get active and my inner legs go numb from the intensity. I have prayed each time, it seems like all day: Lord, give me the one big sign I need to know this is it. If it's not it, take it away. It is really important to me that the midwife gets here and my precious birth team gets here in time to offer me the support my heart so desires and I truly feel I need. I don't want to "cry wolf" and I don't want people to think that at my 4th baby, I still don't know what labor is. So please, Lord, answer the desires of my heart and see the value in my requests. Amen!

As I reflect tonight, I feel bad for contacting the midwife twice about my fake labor. I feel bad that I have neglected my family for three nights in a row to tend to the focus on bringing this baby into the world. I feel bad for my husband who gets equally excited about meeting his new baby and has helped prepare my nest, only to be disappointed. I sit in my bed, exhausted from getting about 3 hours of sleep the last two nights, having contractions all day and all night, and still having contractions. I love being pregnant! I love giving birth! I very much dislike the waiting patiently on the labor to really start. I want nothing more in the world than to meet this baby. Believe me, no one wants him here more than me! So, if you see me out and about, try not to ask if I am still pregnant! I am, clearly defined by this huge bulge in my midsection. :*)  Please don't take my exhaustion as rudeness.

I pray that Tuesday, when we see the midwife, that she will give us some ways to encourage labor. Possible manipulating my cervix a bit. The chiropractor aligned things last week and began this whole situation, I believe. The contractions are doing something because I am about 4-5cm's dilated. Though that means nothing, really, since I walked around 6 cm's with my second pregnancy for two weeks! My water has never broken until right before I started pushing so while I pray my water breaks to start labor, I don't hold much hope for it! If you are thinking right now, "This woman has had 3 babies already and doesn't know what labor is?" My answer is yes, I have no idea what labor is! If I were a traditional maternity patient, I would have visited the Ob ward ten times by now and probably convinced that pitocin would work wonders on me. It likely would have had our baby here last week. But I am patiently waiting on the Lord to say, "Today is the day. This is the day your sweet baby is going to be in your arms." My children have prayed that "this tonight" is the night and I stand in agreement! My last birth was about 3 hours start to finish so we still have many hours to this night! If it's tomorrow or next Tuesday, whenever the Lord decides to bring our miracle to us, I will rest in His sovereignty over this whole process. The womb is the secret place and in the end, birth is God's business. I trust faithfully in that! If we can naturally encourage the process though, I will welcome that too!

Pregnancy Differences

Yesterday I hit the 39 week mark. Typically, I go over my dates a couple weeks and I hold no expectations on a "due" date or even a near birth day at this point. Each pregnancy is so different. Previously, at this point in pregnancy I would experience that crowded feeling, low appetite, frequent urination, restless sleep, and severe exhaustion. These seem quite typical across the board for most women. Despite feeling those things, I previously have never feel discomfort. Full of baby but not truly uncomfortable.

This time around, I am not sure if it's just subsequent pregnancies, too much yoga in early pregnancy, early release of relaxin, my ligamentous laxity disorder, previous birth trauma, my extreme fall down the stairs after my last birth (resulting in emergency surgery two weeks post birth), or a combination of these things, but I am in more discomfort than I can ever remember. I have suffered pelvic issues this entire pregnancy and have seen the chiropractor more than I can count. It has helped tremendously and I cannot imagine where I'd be without their help. I have experienced the clicky pelvis previously and tailbone pain but nothing like what I am experiencing this time.

I have a sincere compassion for women in late pregnancy and understand, though do not condone, women wanting to "get birth over with." I have begged God to just bring this baby, for selfish reasons, admittedly. I know the benefits of a full term pregnancy and my history of going longer than "due" is expected. To be barely able to walk without severe pelvic pain, numb inner thighs, unproductive stimulation of contractions, and pelvic bone grinding is so aggravating. I dream of those weeks snuggling in bed with my precious little guy, bonding with him, and getting to know who he is. I feel I have been so busy through this pregnancy, particularly these last 6 weeks or so, that I haven't taken the time to embrace this pregnancy, bond with this baby, and focus on the birth. So though I really want to give birth and have him here, I just don't know how prepared I am this time around. This might be what God is walking me through. I feel He desires for me to slow down but I want to keep my boys going in their classes until I can't, be in church, have a clean home, cabinets stocked, and stay busy. One reason I feel I busy myself is that I don't have to focus on the things that can go wrong if I am not focusing on any of it! I trust my body, I trust my God, I trust my baby, I trust birth! However, after you have the social norm of 2.1 children, the doubt of healthy babies sets in and you question how "lucky" you could possibly be again. These fears have plagued me this pregnancy. So in keeping busy, I am avoiding facing those fears that I have turned over to God but creep in.

Being prenatal yoga certified, I would like to say that yoga has helped me but yoga is not my friend right now. Yoga has not been my friend for a couple months now. One, I feel claustrophobic doing yoga late in pregnancy. I really enjoy prenatal pilates in late pregnancy but yoga make me feel like I can't breath. With a history of malpositioned babies, yoga involves too many inversions that can cause a good positioned baby to move in a bad position. This is something I REALLY can't have happening! The last big thing is my pelvis. While a focus on a strong pelvic floor is essential for life health, particularly in pregnancy, not overstretching the pelvis, for me, is priority. It all seems so counter-intuitive to me because having an open pelvis (being able to squat strong) is great for birth but I need to keep my legs as closed as possible just to be comfortable. A major thing the chiropractor has mentioned that I feel strongly I may have this time around is

                                                     Symphsis Pubic Dysfunction

She just mentioned this last week and has since started adjusting my pelvis, paying great attention to the pubic symphsis area. Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (SPD) is most commonly associated with pregnancy and childbirth. It is a condition that causes excessive movement of the pubic symphysis, either anterior or lateral, as well as associated pain, possibly because of a misalignment of the pelvis.

With my second birth, my amazing breech birth, the chiropractor believes that I fractured my pubic symphsis during that birth. It may or may not have healed properly but then my fall down our stairs after my third birth, so soon after birth when the hormones are still surging through my joints, ligaments, muscles, and bones, it may have caused more trauma than anyone thought about at the time. This trauma cause my pelvis to not heal properly which has caused all of my back issues since that trauma. While this is all theory, it seems highly plausible.

Where do I go from here? I go into labor!!! Really, once the heavy pressure from an 8lb (or so) baby is off of my pelvis, this pain should subside and getting some post-birth adjustments from my chiropractor should align my pelvis back up for proper healing. I am exhausted and frustrated but I can't lay down the rest of this pregnancy because I have a family that needs me and it would cause me to be crazy! I am just going to have to heed the Lord's guidance and slow down, embrace this baby, and just read more books to my boys in efforts to rest! Prayer for a baby soon is most appreciated! I know the Lord's timing is best and I trust that. I also trust that He will cover this baby and me through the rest of this pregnancy AND heal my body completely! 

North Carolina Midwife Dilemma

Many of my friends and all of my family know that I am a huge homebirth advocate. I have planned (am planning) 4 homebirth and have successfully had two. My first ended in a transport for several reasons. We have always used the same midwife, though her practice was inactive for many years. Because she was a dear friend of ours, she just planned to be there for us and this time, she felt uneasy about it. The reason why is because North Carolina has criminalized midwives for providing safe care for mothers and babies in their most vulnerable time. We have such a backward government we live under and if more people stood up against them, they would not be able to get away with this crazy, financially driven nonsense. Arresting and prosecuting midwives who have amazing stats for providing loving and gentle, yet thorough care for mothers and babies seems asinine. And it truly is! I should clarify that Certified Nurse-Midwives (CNM's) are legal in North Carolina. Personally, these are not midwives that I prefer. They are far too medical minded for me and push for things that I would rather just see a doctor for. Visits with them are not loving and gentle to me but instead, pushy and clinical. It's just not my preference. Certified Profession Midwives (CPM's) are midwives who have completed their courses to become a midwife and have put in, likely more hours, than CNM's of real, live births. They are highly skilled under other midwives and while they can and do offer some medical routes of testing and such, they are usually pretty flexible with a clients declining. Visits tend to be calm and fun, with lots of talking and warm embraces. Direct-Entry Midwives (DEM's) or Lay-Midwives are USUALLY midwives who have completed the credentials to be CPM's but just decided not to become certified. This typically keeps them off of "the list" of local CPM's should the authorities start prosecuting. This is happening now! However, there are DEM/Lay-midwives who are highly untrained as well, having completed none of the courses needed to be certified. They usually don't have much of a practice because most people are unwilling to use them but they are out there and they CAN be dangerous because they do lack the skills and experience.(**These are all my own interpretations of the definition of midwives based on my experience. Feel free to set me straight!)

For this birth, we toyed with the idea of birthing unassisted. While I felt peace about it in the event that I must, I would rather not. The hospital is less than 2 miles from our house if we needed it and I felt we could handle it. But post baby, no mama wants to be thinking of herself. She wants to marvel in her baby and love her husband for this beautiful gift. I have romantic ideas about birth because I know how amazing it is and I didn't want to lose this because we decided to do an unassisted birth. I also felt a nagging fear in my mind of leaving my children orphans and my husband a widow because of our untrained ignorant eyes. This is not a romantic feeling. So we sought out a midwife. It took weeks to find someone still in practice and we settled on the first person we could find because it seemed there was no one else. We liked her well enough and although her practice was far more medical than my ideas, I felt I could deal. At the very least, we had someone to attend our birth. At the very best, we forge an awesome friendship and relationship with her.

We had several visits with her and each time I felt I did have to defend my decisions I previously didn't have to but I was okay with that. She didn't really know us and she didn't yet know that we pretty much decline everything unless there is a reason to move forward with it! We thought we would have to push for the non-medical romantic idea of birth but with my birth warrior husband, we were okay with that. Then on Sunday night at about 9:30pm, she called and told us that the authorities showed up at her house the previous day, served her with a cease and desist order, and she would no longer be able to continue as our midwife. Mind you, I was 36 weeks, 2 days pregnant at this point. She then informed us that we wouldn't be able to be refunded our money at this time, if ever she could figure it out. While I felt really bad for her and her family, I felt pretty bad for my family and myself. How on earth was I going to find another midwife this late in the game? How on earth was I going to ask my husband for yet more money to cover the cost of a new midwife after we've already depleted our savings for this birth and are just now trying to build it up while trying to buy a house? What am I going to do? We faced unassisted birth, yet again! She said she would try to find someone else to cover for her but everyone she contacted felt uneasy because they felt they were next. Plus, they were looking at attending a birth for no promise of payment. I reached out to a midwife I had sincerely wanted to use in the very beginning and just thought she was too far. I found out she isn't that much farther away, and she gave me some information. She said she would be willing to take over our care and attend our birth if we could come up with the fee. I explained how it would be impossible for us at this point but she offered payments and we strongly considered. Husband called the initial midwife and explained that she needed to refund us the money so we could replace her services. He told her we were planning to use the new midwife and what her fees were going to be. So they worked some situation out, I don't know what it is, I just know that it made a new midwife available to us!

Yesterday evening we visited with her and my overwhelming feelings of unease suddenly disappeared the moment she opened her door and embraced me! She was simply amazing and I stood in awe of how blessed I am! I know God saw this whole situation from beginning to end and it was only me who saw the overhwelming moments. He had it all handled! I truly feel this is the best situation! Our new midwife will forever have my business until she retires or I am done having children, which ever comes first! I will recommend her to anyone I know and pay any amount of money for her to be our midwife. I have a deep love for our very first midwife, who attended our last three births and because of her, I have a standard of care that I desire. The new midwife offers that also and I just felt so honored to be her client yesterday. My blood pressure was nice and low because I was so at ease. I would compare it to what I would feel if Ina May Gaskin were my midwife: a sense of awe that this awesome midwife would want to be mine! Although I could only have a few days left of my pregnancy or I may have a few weeks left, I look forward to my visits with her, getting to know her better, and once again, I am so excited to birth this baby.

Hopefully after reading this, you see what women are facing in North Carolina. Women deserve to have the birth they desire no matter where that is: hospital, birth center, home. In a state where you can abort your baby for whatever reason you can think of, in a country where the sanctity of life is so disregarded, in a nation where children are a burden and humanistic desires trump God's heart for children and family, in a western civilization with a maternal and infant mortality rate higher than most third world countries (we rank 137th in the world as of 2010), certainly this anti-midwife move to force more women into the institution is not for the safety of the mothers and their babies. No! It's pretty clear is purely for the bottom line. It's purely a financially motivated decision! I will not conform! Homebirth is NOT illegal in North Carolina. Husband and I can birth at home all day, obtain a birth certificate pretty easily (depending on county)! Having a trained midwife who has had more than 1300 babies born in her presence with a loss rate of 5/<1300 (.03816%), seems much safer to me. The bottom line is that I, as a woman, have the right to murder my baby via abortion anytime I want to up to 34 weeks pregnant, therefore, I should also possess the right to birth my baby where I want to, with whom I want to, when I want to. No one's lack of profit from my birth should play a role in my rights! What kind of free country do we live in when the most basic human right, the right to be born, is governed by greedy thieves and laws made for criminals? It is not criminal to give birth, last time I checked but more and more I feel like we are becoming a small China. It's getting ridiculous and I urge you to fight for the rights of ALL women in North Carolina, no matter where they choose to birth! There shouldn't have to be laws to license midwives. We mothers, we're a lot smarter than these bureaucrats believe! History proves that anytime you regulate something or outlaw something, an underground movement arises. Each day, I become more of a revolutionary! Husband would be proud! Here's to doing what's right even though it may not always be legal because when the law of the land goes again the Word of God AND against the rights of the people, the law must be contended with!

Family Changes

Welcoming a new baby is full

Of changes no matter how many children you have or don't have. It's exciting! Older children may have many questions. The actual event is surrounded by a spiritual mystery. No one knows when it will happen, how long it will take, how it will happen, or have any knowledge of this new person. All we know is it happens! In God's perfect timing, all babies come and all pregnant women give birth! 

In addition to this new baby that we pray for always, my dear sweet husband is working hard to get a new job! Husband works in finance and to him, numbers are numbers. He has a job that pays our bills. He likes his co workers. But he doesn't like the industry or methods of business he currently works in. Husband is an amazing employee and a super hard worker. I have always been so proud of him and his diligence to excellence! People truly love him everywhere no matter what the situation. His job is no different. The Lord has blessed him with such favor and because of that our family has been blessed as well! Now he is craving a change and for good reason. He hates to leave us for 8 hours every day and we pray that someday, he can work from home possibly owning his own business. Having to leave daily and not enjoy your job is frustrating. He deserves to love what he does! Spending 40+ hours per week in an office, dealing with a company's finances, a person should enjoy why they are working! He has single handedly worked his resume up in a company he has wanted to work with for the last four years. He initially had a phone interview for a job within the company but it was not the job he was seeking. He asked about the job he was after an they referred him to that recruiter. They had an hour and half phone interview that went amazingly well! She passed him along to his, would-be boss and they had a phone interview that went even better! Scheduling with high priority within a company for three rounds of interviews is always complicated but they finally nailed down his final interview. It will be with three of the top people in the company on Friday starting at 1:00 and lasting until about 4:00. Husband is so excited! He prayed to just have an opportunity and he would do what he can to make it happen as far as he could control. 

Should my dear husband get this job that I have been praying so hard for him to get, it would mean a big move for our family. It would mean possibly buying a house for our family to make a home, which really excites my homemaker heart. It was also means moving right after our new baby comes. This makes a nesting pregnant mama feel uneasy. I keep turning it over to The Lord and trust in Him to work it all out! This Friday while husband has his interviews, I am going to tag along and scout the area. It seems it's mostly woodlands and very few stores and the like are available. The house we have found is about 15 minutes' drive from the nearest grocery store which is fine with me! I have my heart pretty set in this particular house and already dream house I can paint and decorate and make it a true forever home for my sweet family. We will e workin with our realtor to see three houses this Friday after the interviews so that we can have a good idea on the area and what's available. We definitely have to wait until an offer for the job comes in, which could be two more weeks, and husband will have to work through negotiations. Then we can place an offer on the house and providing the government gets their act together (we are using a USDA loan program), we will be able to close right before Christmas! Ideally, that is perfect timing to us! 

I have been working hard on praying for my husband and our marriage the last two months. Not just general praying but for specific prayers. We have a great marriage and I love my husband with all of my heart! He's my best friend, a wonderful protector, provider, and priest of our home. He leads me and guides me, along with comforting me and showing me grace I really don't deserve. He is extremely forgiving and loving. I truly don't deserve him but I am beyond thankful for him! I couldn't have dreamed a more perfect man to be my husband! Sure, we all have things about another person that drives us batty sometimes but in the end, he is everything I never knew I needed! He is strong where I'm weak and he's weak where I'm strong and we are a team. We're always accountable to one another and I can't imagine a marriage any other way! 

So as I pray for this wonderful man, who enables me to stay home and raise our family the way God has led us to, I have been trying to set my humanly, fleshly selfishness aside and focus on the blessing this would be to him! This would give him the job he has wanted for four years. It would put him in the country living like he's always dreamed of. It opens up an array of projects for him to do with our children. It affords him the ability to love where he's going daily and be passionate about the company he is working for. I desire this so much for him! I desire blessing and favor over him! 

For me, I truly desire to have a home of our own that we can make a homestead. I want the land for our children to have the freedom to be children and explore the world God has blessed them with. More than anything, I truly desire to live with my family in a place that is new for all of us. We have always talked about a great adventure in our lives and I am eager to see how God will use us in this possible great adventure! I must admit my selfishness, my sin, that I have always disliked the area we live in. Husband grew up here and that alone makes for loneliness, but there is some imaginary "club" that you are outcast from if you too did not grow up here. Husband and I got married young, and The Lord immediately blessed us with a baby before all of husband's friends and that separated me, especially, from being able to make deep connections with others because while they were out partying and having couple weekends, I was nursing a high needs baby every twenty minutes, twenty-four hours a day. And until you have had a child, the thought to offer new parents help never crosses your mind. I have had to give forgiveness and have grace in certain situations I haven't been able to understand. Now I realize that we are "black sheep" because we make different choices for our family that others feel is either insulting or wrong. We have made choices for our family that's BEST for our family, but others perceive that to be offensive. We are surrounded by all of husband's family and are always the ones going to visit. We've lived in this house for two years and have been visited by two people for about ten minutes. (Except husband's parents who have been such a blessing to us!) So, selfishly I want to move a bit father away so that we can meet new people together and enjoy new activities together as a family. I desire for us to grow and flourish with people none of us know and that know none of us! This selfish desire, I seek forgiveness for because I truly don't want to seek after something sinfully! More than anything, I seek after these changes to bless my dear family! 

 We have found a beautiful home that could be amazing for us! I am awaiting The Lord and trusting with sincere faith that He sees the desires of our hearts and will bless us according to His will for us. Never do we ever want to push for something that hasn't passed through the loving hands of our gracious Father. It seems silly to seek Him for things like this but I know He desires us to seek Him in all things. He has placed the desires in our hearts. Having boys and being married to a man, I know they desire adventure, exploration, man activities. As a woman and potentially a mother to daughters some day, I desire to make a home, to teach my children what a mother does for her family in dedication to the Word of God. And if I never have a daughter, I desire to show my sons what a Godly woman is and what to expect in the woman they choose to spend their lives with. I seek all of these things for my family because I seek righteousness and a life worshiping the King of Kings for my whole family! I am reading a new book that has me focusing on seeking God in every area of life, down to my responses and thoughts about simple things. I truly desire that every area of my life be an act of worship. That my humanistic tendencies never creep into my daily life. This is my job: my family. I seek the things that will bless them before anything else! Nothing prepares you for marriage and certainly, nothing prepares you for parenthood! As I feel I am navigating this path of life blindly, I know that while I feel in the dark sometimes, Jesus is my light and He guides me. My prayer is that I never overstep my Creator and that if it is not His will, that he removes the desires from my heart! I never want to desire what The Lord has not planned for me. 

So I pray, dear reader, that you will keep our family in your prayers! We face many changes in the upcoming weeks and months and while they can seem overwhelming at times, we are excited at the possibilities of this new life! Please pray that the desires of our hearts are answered with more than we could ask or think but also pray that if our desires are not the Lord's, that we understand without disappointment because God's ways are always higher than ours and His thoughts always higher than ours! Thank you!

Gardening and sin

Today has been a beautiful day! The weather is amazing! I love the fall time and it seems we are just teetering on the edge of 70 degree days and 50-60 degree nights. Since the day is so amazing and all of my household chores are done, at least enough I feel at ease to spend some time outdoors, that is what we did! I had a few flower beds to clean up, some plants to transplant, and I really wanted to get my patio gazebo somewhat bug proof! 

My oldest child, J, found a bow and arrow he really wants for his birthday. It costs $30. I so desperately want to get it for him but I am having to restrain because his kitten was his birthday present from us AND husband told him that he needed to either ask for it for his birthday, earn the money to buy it himself, or a combination of the two! In his effort to begin saving money, he decided to help me pull weeds and grass. He actually did a wonderful

job and I will probably give him $1. It literally took us 10-15 minutes! 

During our time weeding, J asked me why there are weeds and why they are brown and yucky. I explained how weeds are a product of sin and how sin is like weeds. He asked if weeds kill our flowers and I told him yes. We talked about how God made us beautiful and perfect like the flowers but when we allow sin in our lives, it's like the weeds and grass, it kills out our joy, beauty, and perfection and it makes us dry and brown. He was so perceptive and really understood what I was telling him. 

I know the Bible is perfectly cohesive and clear and concise in its presentation of the only true gospel. We should not add or take away from it. I believe this! It certainly was not my intention to do this in explaining sin to my child. In working   really hard on teaching our children about sin, their sin nature, and their need for salvation, I feel it is important to make the Gospel alive! It's important to me that my children can see God in their daily lives as they go about working necessary tasks and its my desire that everything they do can direct them back to the cross. Children don't typically mimic your advice but they do mimic your actions. My deepest desire in raising my children is that I lead them to a life of righteousness through the grace and mercy of my Savior, Jesus! We are called to be the primary educators of our children, not allowing others to pollute their holy temple. "¹⁸ Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. ¹⁹ Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.²⁰ Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates,²¹ so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth." (Deuteronomy 11:18-21) 

It is not anyone else's responsibility to teach my child of their Savior! It is solely the responsibility of a parent! Likewise, no one else should be teaching a child morality, obedience, or respect other than their parents! So far we have come away from children being raised in the home. Now children are being raised by tv, teachers, day care workers, nannies, iPods, and game systems. Let's vow to come back to the simplicity of God's Word and teach our children at all times of the day of the Lord's ways. Let us set and be the example to live by! This requires parents to be righteous and virtuous in their walk with Christ, yet when we fall short, as we will, let us show our children repentance and reconciliation. Did you know that you can have many different ministries but ALL OF US HAVE A MINISTRY OF RECONCILIATION that Christ has given us and expects us to utilize?  ¹⁷ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creationhas come:^[a] The old has gone, the new is here! ¹⁸ All this is from God,who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: ¹⁹ that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.²⁰ We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. ²¹ God made him who had no sin to be sin^[b] for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. (2 Corinthians 5:17-21)

What better gift can we give our children than to teach them the ways of The Lord when they rise, go about, come and go? This leads them to the cross and directs their eyes toward Jesus and I can't think of anything more I want my children to learn in their lives than their need for a Savior and their acceptance of Salvation!

One of those days!

I am having one of those days where no matter what my intention was when I awoke, it has been uphill from there! I woke, prayed, made beds, dressed children...just really purposes to have an awesome day enjoying my children! They have been such a joy to me. Maybe it's hormones, my increasing discomfort (from pulling a pelvic muscle), or just satan...maybe all three... It's been one of those day! The kind you want to tuck back into bed and have a do-over. The kind you could sit in your closet and cry in frustration. The kind that makes me re-think my purpose. Maybe I missed my calling and I need to look for a job outside of the home! That's the kind I day today has been! I'd like to yoga tonight but my torn or over-stretched pelvic floor is screaming just lying down, that that may not be the best idea. A pedicure sounds great, since I no longer can self paint my toe nails due to the watermelon I sport. But we are diligently working on sticking to our budget in effort to save and that spending was not planned! In this house, where I am outnumbered 4:1, there's no escape from the, "Mom can we... Can I... What are you doing?... We're hungry...We're thirsty...MAMA!!!  I need to go to the bathroom!" 'S! If I could have ice cream, I'd sneak away for a pint of butter pecan and lock myself away in my room with it! And considering how I feel about my day, the allergic reaction to the dairy might be worth it! 

It told Husband that I am going to stop

Praying and reading my Bible because the days I am diligent to set time aside for that are the days when everyone and everything goes crazy! Please know I won't be doing that but it's so frustrating! I know what's going on, though! God has a plan and satan sets out to ruin it! I've been through this before! I am just not as strong about taking the time recollect in the heat of the moment! In this is where my prayer life needs to be directed to!

The joys of today are:

We all awoke with breath in our lungs and right working bodies!

My children are healthy!

We face trials to overcome and defeat the plans of the enemy! 

We have a home.

My husband has a job that takes care of all of our needs and more.

We have freedom to worship!

Jesus lives!

Tomorrow is a completely new day! 

Praising God for His constant love when I am most unlovable and most undeserving. Praising Him for forgiving children who show me the need for a Savior through their sinful nature! I was softly prompted by God in my spirit today that one of the reasons He blesses us with children is to show us how sinful we are and to show us our desperate need for Him! This is so true in my life! I'm walking blindly on this path seeking righteousness and the only person who can help me is God! If you have one of these days, take comfort in that you are not alone!